Friday, May 24, 2013

Bodyguard Detail


I wear many hats. This week I've been wearing a bodyguard hat.  My mild manner neighbor, Ellen, made the mistake two years ago of telling a bat-shit-crazy (technical term) neighbor that the association rules are that he needs to bring his garbage can in by 11pm on the day garbage is picked up. He'd been leaving his garbage out for four or five days. Everyone had been thinking the same thing, but none of us had the kahona's to say it to him except for Ellen. First thing he does is paint his huge garbage can neon pink and put it on her doorstep. Next night he proceeds to steal all her lawn ornaments and hanging flower baskets and throw them in the garbage. He stalked her as she would walk her dog--alone--at night and mutter things like, "Smoke that cigarette, smoke it, smoke it." Just crazy stuff! It got to the point where the Homeowners Association board had to be notified and later the police. Eventfully he stopped. Until...

Tuesday night he was walking his dog at the same time Ellen was walking hers and he started following her, so close that she felt like she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. He muttered things like, "It can be dangerous for a woman to walk alone at night. Lots of accidents could happen. Most accidents happen close to home I hear." Sounds like a threat to me. She proceeded to walk directly to the closest neighbor's porch and knock on their door.

Thursday afternoon this nut job follows Ellen in his car as she drives to the dog park and parks next to her and gives her an evil grin and a little wave. She backed her car out of the space and drove immediately home. That night she hears a noise coming from outside around 10pm. It sounds like water gushing. She goes outside and "someone" has turned the outside faucet on the side of her house to full blast. It had been running so long that the water was up past her ankles.

So I have been her bodyguard and have been walking with her in the evening when she walks her Jack Russell, Barney.  This creep never seems to bother her when others are around, only when she is alone. So we are all trying to make sure Ellen is not alone when she walks her dog now.

This afternoon I went to the dog park with her and as we are leaving who should suddenly pull up (dogless). Yup, the lunatic!

Ellen couldn't figure out why he was suddenly targeting her after a year of peace and quiet. She went to one of the Association's board members about the matter today and found out that this man had been called before the board this week concerning some of his "behaviors." The board member wouldn't divulge what these "behaviors" were but just that he was on probation because of it and they weren't taking any more from him. So we surmise that the lunatic is taking his frustrations out on Ellen since she is the easiest one to terrorize since she lives alone. He hasn't taken into account that she has many friends throughout the neighborhood and he has none.

For this weekend, however, she will have to get another neighbor for bodyguard detail. Because the hubster and I are headed off on another weekend trip. A three day trip this time. We are headed to Mississippi and Tennessee to Shiloh Battlefield. Being both Civil War and Ghost enthusiast it's a double delight. 

Happy trails!


  1. I would call the police at every event.
    and tazer the mofo and spray him down with wasp killer.

  2. I like the way you think! One neighbor did end up buying Ellen a small can of mace. Its the cutest little pink can. I'm sure the nut job won't think it so cute when he gets sprayed in the face with it!

    (I'll have to post later today what he's done now, but to a different neighbor - another female. He doesn't have the go-nads to terrorize a male, only females.)

  3. ohhh wow. do tell us the latest...what a freak!